Supporting a Friend: A “Script” for What to Say When a Loved One Tells You They Are Struggling

It can be incredibly difficult to know what to say when a friend or loved one confides in you about their struggles. The fear of saying the wrong thing, minimizing their feelings, or not being helpful can sometimes make us hesitant to respond. However, the most important thing is to show up and let them know they’re not alone.

While there’s no perfect script that fits every situation, having a few phrases and a general approach in mind can make these conversations a little less daunting. This isn’t about giving advice, but about offering empathy, validation, and support.

The Core Principles of Support

Before we dive into specific phrases, let’s remember the foundational principles:

1. Listen Actively: This is perhaps the most crucial step. Let them speak without interruption. Don’t plan your response while they’re talking. Just absorb what they’re saying.
2. Validate Their Feelings: Their feelings are real and valid, regardless of whether you fully understand them. Avoid saying things like “You shouldn’t feel that way” or “It’s not that bad.”
3. Offer Empathy, Not Sympathy: Empathy is about understanding and sharing their feelings. Sympathy often creates a distance (“I feel bad for you”).
4. Avoid Fix-It Mode (Unless Asked): Your role is usually to support, not to solve their problems. Offering unsolicited advice can sometimes feel dismissive.
5. Reassure and Normalize: Let them know it’s okay to struggle and that many people experience similar feelings.

A “Script” for Initial Responses

When someone first shares their struggles, here are some phrases you can adapt:

• Acknowledge and Validate:
  • “Thank you for sharing that with me. That sounds incredibly difficult.”
  • “I can only imagine how hard that must be for you right now.”
  • “It sounds like you’re going through a lot, and I’m really sorry to hear that.”
  • “That takes a lot of courage to tell me this, and I appreciate you trusting me.”
• Express Concern and Support:
  • “I’m here for you, no matter what.”
  • “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
  • “What you’re feeling is completely understandable.”
• Open the Door for More:
  • “Do you want to talk more about it, or would you prefer a distraction?”
  • “Is there anything specific I can do to help right now?”
  • “Sometimes it helps just to vent. I’m happy to listen for as long as you need.”

What to Say Next (Depending on Their Response)

Once they’ve shared, you might continue with:

• If they want to talk more:
  • “I’m listening. Please take your time.”
  • “Tell me more about what that feels like.”
  • “What’s been the hardest part for you?”
• If they mention specific feelings (e.g., sadness, anxiety, overwhelm):
  • “It makes perfect sense that you’d feel [sad/anxious/overwhelmed] given what you’re going through.”
  • “That sounds incredibly isolating/heavy/exhausting.”
• If they seem unsure what they need:
  • “No pressure at all, but sometimes a hug helps. Or maybe just sitting quietly together?”
  • “Would it help if we went for a walk, or watched a movie?”

Offering Practical Support (If Appropriate)

Sometimes, offering concrete, manageable help can be incredibly impactful. Instead of “Let me know if you need anything” (which puts the burden on them), try specific offers:

• “Can I bring over dinner tonight?”
• “Would it help if I picked up your groceries this week?”
• “I’m free on [day]. Can I come over and just hang out?”
• “Let me help you with [specific task they’re struggling with, if you know it].”

What to AVOID Saying

• “It could be worse.”
• “Just cheer up!”
• “You just need to think positively.”
• “Have you tried [unsolicited advice]?”
• “I know exactly how you feel.” (Unless you genuinely do, and even then, frame it carefully.)
• “Why don’t you just…?”

The Power of Presence

Ultimately, your presence and willingness to listen are the most powerful tools you have. You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to be there.

Remember, if you’re concerned about your friend’s safety or mental health, encourage them to seek professional help. You can offer to help them find resources or even accompany them to an appointment. Being a supportive friend is an act of love and courage, and it can make an enormous difference in someone’s life.

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